I’m used to reading fiction that takes me on a journey, but the other day I had the pleasure of reading a Village Voice article by Essie Carmichael that took me on such a ride I laughed, cried (almost), commiserated, and cheered–all during the five minutes it took me to read it. By the end of it I wanted to have tea with Essie and send her about $200 worth of sex toys.

What Essie told is the classic story of how a woman’s sex life can change in fairly predictable ways. Ellie has great sex with hubbie, gets pregnant, goes on a nine month horomone-induced sex holiday where she loves her changing body and blossoming boobs, then gives birth and finds herself stuck in a cranky rut of sleep deprivation, child-rearing, and husband resentment.

“Presently I have one small child and one big husband and I’m mad. It is a mystery to me who is more childlike. They both require snacks every 20 minutes, they have tantrums when they don’t get their way, and they demand a lot of attention.”

And that’s where the story stops for a lot of moms, especially new moms. Breastfeeding, feeling ‘touched out’, sleep deprivation–all those things can suck the sex drive right out of you. Most women and their partners aren’t prepared for this. Doctors usually advise women to abstain from sex for six weeks while the body recovers from child birth, but say nothing about how hormones can influence your sex drive for months, or what post partum depression can do to your sex life. In the meantime, mom is left wondering if she’ll ever be her sexy self again, while pop wonders if he’ll ever get any again.

As a mom who experienced much the same feelings, I ended up co-writing a book called Sexy Mamas, which really encouraged new moms to take the long view. And by that I mean to look at this phase in their lives as part of a lifelong journey, during which the sex may or may not be as abundant as others. And to accept that this is Perfectly Normal.

The beautiful part of Essie’s article is that she recognizes her situation and decides to do something about it.

“Oh sure, I wanted kids, but still. I don’t have a nanny or a housekeeper or a wife. He has all three. I actually heard myself telling him, “I can’t do it. I can’t take care of the kid, cook, vacuum, change the kitty litter, and be nice to you. It is just too much!” He understood. He stayed on his side of the bed. I felt bad. So I went to a sex-toy store on the Lower East Side called Babeland. ”

She visits Babeland and buys a few toys most of which she plans on using herself. (Another good tip for moms–enjoy masturbation, sometimes the totally self-indulgent, relaxing act of masturbation is just what you need to feel sexual at all.) But then she buys a $3 cock ring for her husband, and the simple fact that she initiated a sexual adventure at all does wonders for their sex life.

“We have a tremendous amount of fun talking about the cock ring. The cock ring is our friend. We put away the cock ring in the little box at the bottom of the sock drawer.”

If you’re a new mom, take a lesson from Essie and just put yourself out there, you may be pleasantly surprised. You might also benefit from other resources from fellow parents and experts.

Last November the voters of South Dakota defeated that state’s notorious abortion ban by voting in a referendum. (See our Sex Act from March 2006.)

On January 31, legislators introduced a new abortion ban in the South Dakota House of Representatives.The new bill is less extreme than the previous law, which provided no exception to protect the health of a mother or for victims of rape. The new bill provides these exceptions, but also poses new problems.

It declares that abortion should be illegal because “the pregnant mother’s relationship with her child is inherently beneficial to the mother.” If passed into law, the bill would require that, in order to receive a legal abortion, victims of rape report their attack to the police within 50 days and that physicians acquire a copy of the police report. Physicians would also be required to submit blood tests of both the woman and the fetus to law enforcement.

The new bill also includes stiffer penalties for doctors who provide abortion services outside the guidelines of the bill. Physicians would risk being slapped with a class four felony and 10 years in jail.

Learn More!

• Read SD Legislature Reintroduces Revised Abortion Ban, courtesy of the Feminist Daily News.
• Read We Had Abortions, an article about Ms. Magazine’s petition for accessible birth control, including abortion services.
• Listen to NPR’s story South Dakota to Consider Revised Ban on Abortion.

Take Action!

• Sign Ms. Magazine’s Petition for Safe, Legal, and Accessible Abortion and Birth Control.
• Donate to your local affiliate of the National Network of Abortion Funds. Abortion funds, like Seattle’s The CAIR Project, are grassroots organizations that provide financial assistance to low-income women seeking abortions. The National Network of Abortion Funds also advocates for policies that will allow all women access to abortion and full reproductive health care, regardless of income.
• During the last South Dakota abortion ban, both Planned Parenthood of Minnesota and South Dakota and NARAL Pro-Choice South Dakota went out on the streets and into the legislature to fight for women’s access to abortion. You can help these local organizations continue this fight by donating your money or time.