Have you ever been in the middle of having sex when your partner (or one of your partners) says something that just totally throws you off your stride? It is really distracting when it happens. You are suddenly in your head thinking about whatever it is that was said and your partner is laying their thinking “Hello! We were in the middle of something here!” If you are lucky you can get out of your head fast enough to snap back into action and get everything going again. If you’re not lucky you will keep thinking and not be able to concentrate on what you are supposed to be doing and both (or all) of you will end up dissatisfied.

The other day when I was in the middle of licking my girlfriend’s pussy, she starts instructing me to use the rough part of my tongue. I normally love it when she talks during sex because it really turns me on. I really don’t mind when she tells me what she wants, either. That can be a major turn-on too. I don’t know if I was feeling especially emotionally vulnerable on this particular day or what, but her words really threw me for a loop. Suddenly I was thinking crazy stuff like “What, now I’m not doing a good enough job, and you have to instruct me,” “I’ve never done that before. Who did you get that from?” “What’s wrong with the way I’ve been doing it?” etc. etc.

While I was doing all this thinking, my baby was steadily losing interest in sex. I wasn’t doing what she was asking me to do and I wasn’t doing a very good job at what I had already been doing. Once I realized that her interest was waning, I shook my head and got back to business. I told myself to forget my petty insecurities and get back to work. I stuck my tongue out as far as I could and gave her the rough part of my tongue. I licked every part of her pussy with the rough part of my tongue and didn’t stop. Just like that, there was a complete about-face and we were suddenly speeding towards ecstasy. The morals of this story are: Stay out of your head during sex unless you are fantasizing. Don’t question, just do. Listen to your partner. And most importantly, don’t forget to lick with the rough part of your tongue sometimes.

I’m back in school this fall and I spent just enough time away to forget just how stressful it can be. With two midterms this week and a conference on Saturday, I’ve spent 8-10 hours studying for the past three days. I am mentally exhausted and sadly, my body is starting to feel it too.

It’s at times like these when our bodies and minds can most benefit from the relaxing benefits of orgasm. Like yoga and other forms of exercise, working really hard and then relaxing releases stress and tension. I am well aware of this but stress does not equal feeling sexy or desirable for me. I can barely get out of my head enough to stop studying and read the New York Times or boingboing.net, let alone concentrate fully on pleasure and disengage the analytical part of my mind. Since I already have enough problems keeping my thoughts at bay during sex, it’s even harder when visions of equations and research designs are floating through.

In more ways than one our minds are truly are biggest sex organ. They register when someone is attractive or not, then help send hormones and neuro-chemicals coursing through our bodies and brains that make us feel good, they send messages to our muscles to contract and when someone says “I want to lick your pussy”, it’s not your pussy that hears that, it’s your brain. Thus really, your brain is what is really what is getting all wet. Our genitals are just the physical manifestation of what’s happening in our minds.

So, what’s a girl to do? I’m thinking about jerking off in the morning when I’m not tired from the day. I’ve also started keeping erotica right beside my bed as a little reminder than instead of doing some other reading, I should concentrate on that instead. I may buy a new toy so that I’ll be more motivated to try it out. Hopefully my brain won’t act against its own best interest with all of those stimulants around.

How does stress affect your sex life?