Babeland’s Blog » 2007 » October

The Disclosure Dilemma

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

logo I recently participated in a two-day values clarification workshop. Basically the idea behind these is to explore your beliefs and values and learn about why you think the way you do, especially about controversial or taboo topics. It generally involves exploring the first messages you ever heard about masturbation/gay people/abortion/etc and how your own personal experiences have shaped the views you hold now. The ultimate purpose is to be able to talk with people who may hold different values than yours and to meet them where they are with a non-judgmental and open attitude.

Part of the workshop dealt with communication and involved an exercise where we explored to whom we communicate personal information. For instance: I’m more than willing to tell basically anyone how tall I am but disclosing what I think about when I masturbate is another thing entirely.

This got me thinking about how complicated disclosure is at a place like Babeland. First, the topics that most people don’t want to share with even their closest friends are the topics we discuss every day. I frequently hear things that have been told to no one else from our customers - not even their partners. Sometimes things are even revealed in front of a partner. I know it can be hard to bring those things up but I think that one of the great things about Babeland is that it creates a space where it’s safe for customers to disclose.

Where it gets tricky is when customers ask us to disclose. I’ve been asked if I’ve used certain sex toys or done certain activities or slept with certain kinds of people. Assumptions have been made about how sexually active I am, the kinds of people I am sexually active with and what I must like to do in bed. In all of those situations, it’s up to me to decide how to answer the question or whether to address the assumption. I’ve realized that it’s a very subjective thing. For me, there are a couple of different factors:

1. The level of personal information the person is asking for: sometimes saying just that I like anal sex is easier than talking about my experiences with orgasm or why I like a certain toy in detail
2. How comfortable I am with the person: If I feel a connection with the person, then I’m more likely to answer a personal question. If for some reason I can’t connect with them, then I’m less likely to answer. How exactly that happens, I can’t say
3. What answering the question will accomplish: Sometimes people ask because they need your approval. Or, they’re feeling uncomfortable so they want to make you uncomfortable. But sometimes people ask because they are genuinely curious or they need something to be normalized. If telling that I’ve not only had that tiny butt plug in my butt but also bigger things will help them get used to the idea of butt play, then sometimes I’ll make the decision to do that. Or, sometimes talking about my own struggles with orgasm can help someone else realize they aren’t alone. There’s a big difference between “you’re a dyke, right?” and “Do people really enjoy spanking?”
Often, I will share the most information when the person doesn’t even ask but when I sense that it might help them be more comfortable or help them make their decision. In the end, it’s always my choice to disclose or not and I hope that our customers feel the same way.

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