I discovered what all parents do once they have kids: the days of spontaneous sex or the hours of long leisurely lovemaking are gone forever. I filed away those memories in that mental photo album called “pre-baby nostalgia,” and got busy adjusting my attitude, my expectations, and my schedule.

So how do I make time for sex? The same way I make time for dinner, doctors’ appointments and vacations–planning! It might lack the “swept off your feet” quality of spontaneous couplings, but the upside is that the anticipation of a planned night of passion serves to heighten my libido throughout the day.

So, yeah, I have “sex dates.” And let me tell you there are plenty of nights where sex can just feel like one more chore, but inevitably I am glad I keep this a priority. Even though I don’t feel like I’ve caught up on my sleep in 11 years (age of oldest child), and even though I work two jobs (the day job and the parenting job) and am wiped out almost every day, sex can re-energize me. Sexual intimacy is a key part of my self-esteem, so I try to keep it at the top of my to do list!

Here are some tips I put together for my book Sexy Mamas: Keeping Your Sex Life Alive While Raising Kids:
* You and your partner should review your schedules together each week, and choose a time when you can be alone together. If you’re booked solid, you could each agree to cancel an appointment (or alternate weeks).

* Find a good babysitter. I don’t need to tell you how crucial babysitters are to your mental health–everyone needs somebody they can call on when the kids are just too much. Use your baby sitter to cover during your sex dates. If you can get a relative or sitter to take your child out of the house, you’ll enjoy the privacy that much more.

* Plan a night away. My friends once booked my partner and I a room in a hotel down the street from our house and brought my daughter over to breast feed. It was a wonderful idea!

* Free up some time. If you can afford it, look for time-saving solutions: hire a house-cleaner, order take-out food, have your bills paid electronically, get a grocery delivery service. Use the freed up time for sex!

* Plan around your child’s nap. If you’ve got the flexibility, daytime trysts during baby’s naps can be a great time to recharge your sexual batteries (unless you need a nap too!).

* Get your partner to do the work. A few years ago a Glamour survey showed that most moms, when asked what they’d do with an extra hour of the day, said “watch TV or read a book.” Only 10% chose sex, which fell well below “catching up on chores” and “catching up on sleep.” So this says to me that most moms are overloaded, and need more time to relax. So if your partner wants sex, get him or her to chip in more with the housework or childcare so you can have the downtime you need to get in touch with your sexuality.

Enjoyed this post? It’s part of the Sexy Mamas Blog Event happening in May in honor of mother’s day. For more provocative posts on the topic of sex and motherhood, check out:

JanesGuide www.janesguide.com/wpmu/janesays
Always Aroused Girl aagblog.com
Urban Gypsy nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com
Single Mom Seeking www.singlemomseeking.com/blog
Christen Clifford christenclifford.com/blog
Janna Cawrse Esarey seattlemomblogs.com/moms-like-sex-too
Happily Even After blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/HappilyEvenAfter

I hope you’ve enjoyed the sexy mama posts on the blog. I’m really looking forward to reading what our other mother/employees have to say during the rest of May!
I’ve also really enjoyed reading the other participants musings on what it means to be a sex positive parent/family. It’s given me hope and inspiration for a time when I have my own children. I fully suggest reading all of these posts, but in case you don’t have time, check out these snippets of some wonderfully thoughtful and hilarious blogging moms:

Janes Guide: My take on sex-positive is this: good sex is an integral part of our lives, necessary for physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing. And that is in whatever form is right for the person involved, be it gay, straight, bi, queer, poly, monogamous, kinky, ‘nilla, or whatever inbetween of any of those. The other part of being sex positive, to me, is to make myself available for questions, but not to foist information on them before they want it. They have access to tons of reading if they’re uncomfortable asking me things.

Urban Gypsy: I want my child to be able to say NO with conviction. I want her to know that someday she is probably going to hear one or more of these lines and how to respond to them:

If you love me you’d do it.
Let me just stick it in for a second.
C’mon, just the tip.
A blow job isn’t sex.
Anal isn’t sex.
I can’t feel anything with a condom.

Christen Clifford: And now that my son is almost 5, and I’m pregnant again, raising him in a sex positive household means:

• not shying away from explanations of how babies are made
• expressing my affection for my partner in front of my child
• trying (!) to kiss my partner before my child when I walk in the door
• talking about all the different kinds of families we know
• answering all questions honestly and with facts
• expressing my need for privacy
• teaching him about privacy

Seattle Mom Blogs: Now, I know we don’t really want to think about our kids being sexual–just as kids cringe thinking of their parents being sexual–but I think a Sex-Positive Family for me means presenting sex as a normal, healthy, happy part of life. Because, after all, that’s what I believe sex should be. Not taboo. Not creepy. Not full of shame and insecurity and fear. Though I suspect we all pick up a bit of that sex baggage from the weird way our culture views sex anyway.

I, Asshole: Things are getting easier with her now though. She asks questions about sex and love a little hesitantly, but frankly, about things she doesn’t understand. The other day she confessed that she dreamt she kissed a boy. It sounded very sweet and chaste, much like my first erotic dream about Michael J. Fox. It was fun for me to see her all thrilled and yet kind of freaked out about it all.

“Well, that’s totally normal,” I said. “Everyone has dreams like that.” I told her I dreamt about holding hands with Michael J. Fox, because we saw Back to the Future recently and she knows who he is.

“He was considered one of the cutest boys in America when I was your age,” I said, waving my cane of old cronedom around.

“No WAI,” was her stunned reply.

WAI.