Shopping Advice 
The Problem with Politeness
A zig by my daughter concurrent with a zag by my son resulted in one forehead bonk, one knee owie, screeching, recriminations, tears and a brief time-out between siblings.
Distraction in the form of a book cured my son’s sore knee first; he approached his sister with an lisped apology and arms held out for a hug. Only a rock would have been unmoved by such a sweet display, but even accidental head bumps turn my daughter to icy stone. It’s good manners yet ultimately futile to try making peace with her until she’s ready for it. She crossed her arms and stuck her nose into the air. I believe she might have said “harrumph.”
The boy turned back to his blocks with nothing more than a shrug, but his grandmother was not satisfied.
She spoke my daughter’s name. “You have to accept his hug,” she scolded. “If someone wants to hug you it’s not polite to refuse. They’ll feel bad.”
My daughter caught my eye, looking for some correct response. Loathe to launch into a philosophical discussion of this sort with my parents, I just smiled at her and said nothing. Her brother was so engrossed in his toys that nothing short of Oreos could have gotten his attention. There was no chance of him coming back to demand the hug. The matter dropped.
It would probably have been altogether forgotten by the children but I couldn’t let the matter rest. “You know what grandma said today?” I asked on the way home. “About hugs?”
She barely looked up from her book to grunt but I carried on. “I don’t agree with her. At all. If you don’t want to hug someone you shouldn’t, period. It doesn’t matter if they feel bad. You never have to touch someone in any way unless you really want to. Ok?”
The book was so interesting that she couldn’t tear her eyes away from it. “I know, Mom,” she managed to answer. “You’ve told me so many times. Why did grandma say that?”
Grandma’s always said that, I thought to myself. My absolute terror of being thought rude or of hurting someone’s feelings was one reason I found it so difficult to ward off unwanted contact, both sexual and otherwise, well into adulthood.
My children will be prepared for a different world, one where they neither have to bend to guilt-based pressure nor feel especially hurt when their advances are rebuffed. And if someone else finds their behavior rude?
Too stinkin’ bad.
——
Between writing a personal blog, reviewing porn, editing a repository of sex-ed stories, raising children and reading lots of books, aag enjoys petting her cats. No that is not a euphemism. Well, maybe it is.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
You are, of course, 100% accurate about not having to accept unwanted touch from anyone. We don’t even necessarily have to hurt the feelings of those we refuse. My first defense is always to decline politely, a ‘no thank you’ usually does it. If not then I get way more firm. I find that people are less likely to be forceful or rude about it if I keep things gentle at first.
But if they aren’t being gentle, they don’t deserve kind warnings.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I know you have a rough relationship with your folks (to put it mildly), but I think it would have been good to have reinforced with your daughter in front of your mom that it’s ok to NOT want to be touched – even by a family member.
Then again, there’s something to be said for avoiding family drama – especially when you know it might be unnecessarily overly dramatic.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Oh my father and inlaws have been told CLEARLY that neither daughter of mine is under ANY obligation to touch anyone. I absolutely cannot STAND that attitude, and thankfully, everyone in our lives gets it.
With strangers, I just say we don’t touch other people. Period. People get it. WOmen have enough trouble vocalizing their needs and wants-I don’t want to play into that.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
You handled it better than I would have, AAG. I would have been very frustrated with grandma.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I definitely agree with you, especially since teaching children that it’s okay to not want to be touched also does double duty of teaching them that if they want to touch someone that doesn’t want to be touched, it’s that persons right and it’s not okay to press the matter. I can’t count the number of hugs, and various other touches, that I’ve felt obligated to accept or reciprocate because the other person wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’m a huggy person, but if someone doesn’t seem comfortable with it, I’ll gladly take no for an answer and shake their hand instead. I wish more people understood that no doesn’t just mean no in regards to sexual conduct and contact, but to platonic conduct and contact as well.
After all, when someone refuses to take no as an answer when they want to hug me, I’m inclined to wonder how far they would go with not taking no for an answer.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Amen. More kids, especially girls (IMHO), need to be told this. Their body is their own and only they are in charge of who touches them and how and when. Good for you for reinforcing that idea with your kids. The idea of being polite to others, so as not to hurt their feelings, should not come before a person’s own feeling of safety and comfort. An excellent book, Protecting The Gift, discusses this idea (among others) in regards to keeping our children safe. This book should be a must read for all parents.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Seems like your mom and mine have some things in common. I was also raised with the mandate that “good manners” superseded my own feelings. As a result, I silently bore a great deal of unwanted touch by adults, some of which was sexually inappropriate. I was in my mid-30′s before I could sit on a man’s lap without feeling unsafe and icky.
You’re raising empowered little people who aren’t afraid to say “No”. It’s beautiful.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
I feel the same way. I never push physical contract with my kidlet. Even when it’s me that she’s rejecting.
I also feel the same way about ‘no’ and ‘stop’. I love to tickle her, but I will stop the second she says NO or STOP. I want her to know that her words are strong and can force a reaction.
Just recently we started reading a book about ‘stranger danger’. After some initial super-sensitivity over EVERYTHING, she’s been awesome at telling me when she’s uncomfortable. This morning a man on the streetcar was looking at her and she told me she didn’t like it and wanted him to stop. At not-quite-four, I’m pretty impressed she was able to vocalize this. We simply changed our seats out of his view.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Such an AMAZING lesson to instill in your children! You are doing them such a service, teaching them to trust their gut and never do something because they are afraid of hurtin gother people’s feelings.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
I say amen to that – and I heartily agree with Lorelei. You manage to handle things with such enviable aplomb and grace.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
I came from a “don’t say no” mom, and it warped the hell out of me. I’m glad you told your daughter that, and I wish you’d told her in front of your mother!
What I wrote about this:
http://thismuse.blogspot.com/2007/05/signals.html
August 10th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
While I would in no way suggest that anyone should endure unwanted and undesired touch, my fear is that between the sexualization of all human touch coupled with rampant germophobia, the simple graces of life are being lost.
More importantly I guess, I think something should have been said on the spot — my thought being that one might not have to accept the hug but certainly the apology should have been acknowledged with graciousness.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Oh well done! I probably would have launched right in with grandma sitting there and all, should I have been in your position. But it appears you’ve been so good with this particular lesson that there was no need for immediate correction. The world needs more mothers like you!
August 11th, 2009 at 12:48 am
It takes years to recover from conditioned politeness. I realised it was a serious issue for me after I was groped on a busy train and didn’t want to be rude to the man who groped me, so I just stood up and moved instead of confronting him.
August 11th, 2009 at 2:21 am
My kids used to go to a Montessori daycare when they were a little younger that stressed that after physical encounters, kids had to hug each other as part of the apology process. It was a requirement that really, really bothered both my kids and my partner and I. Noone should /ever/ have to touch someone else if they don’t want to, let alone as some form of apology. It was doubly hard on my son, who is Aspergers and has a /lot/ of trouble with physical contact, and it almost always made situations worse to make him hug.
August 11th, 2009 at 3:32 am
I applaud your willingness to press on without screaming at your mother. They have been sooo intrusive, yet you have continued to work with it. A history of abuse is very very hard to overcome with the people who participated.
But your kids are well prepared, and protected by you as children. You have worked so hard and I think you have succeeded superbly in your effort to raise uninhibited yet self protecting children.
August 11th, 2009 at 4:27 am
When I think about the time I was assaulted at a play party and later forced to hug the guy who assaulted me (so we could “make up” which never really happened because he was, as you would expect, an asshole) – I have to say you are dead on in teaching your children that they don’t have to accept hugs if they don’t want to.
Fuck being polite. What about a sense of safety and control over one’s body?
August 11th, 2009 at 4:27 am
Hmmm I can’t say as I recall this subject being broached for either side of the line. There were no strong opinions, it seems. But I seem to have grown up with an air of “don’t touch me”, whether I like it or not. Other friends are not huggy with me as they are with others. And I’m not really sure why.
I do know that I would be telling my future daughter the same as you’ve told yours.
August 11th, 2009 at 4:31 am
That is a great story. I hope mine have learned that lesson. My eldest starts high school this week.
I agree with your choice not to address the issue with your daughter in front of your mother. It would have become an argument between the adults and the lesson might have been lost.
August 11th, 2009 at 5:24 am
With four children, there are many fights that are exacerbated by the age gap. My eldest has a tendency to touch his siblings well above and beyond the ubiquitous *poke* aka hit, wrestle, pin … After one last flagrant display in front of me, I cleared my throat and asked my littlest if he wanted to be touched. He said no. I asked why he let it happen and he said that his brother was so big, he couldn’t stop it. After going through the required parental “come tell me and I’ll fix it…” he looked up at me and in a small voice asked “but what about when you’re not here? ”
I didn’t think long & I made sure all of them could hear me. “Then you have my permission to bite, kick and scream. Use a bat if you have to. If someone is hurting you, you do NOT have to play fair. Do whatever you have to do. I won’t be mad, I’ll be proud”
As much as my littlest one seemed to be enthused by the rally cry, it was the knowing glint in my daughter’s eye that made me secretly smile.
August 11th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Why has this turned into an issue about touching? The hug was merely the means to express an apology – BETWEEN SIBLINGS. Your daughter refused his apology. While he doesn’t seem to care, I would think there is cause for concern about how your daughter deals with conflict.
August 11th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Must one accept an apology instantly? Isn’t it ok to wait until the anger has passed? While you are correct that my kid needs to improve how she deals with conflict (and who doesn’t?), I think it’s ok to say, “I’m still angry. Give me a minute to calm down.”
I believe we model our adult interactions on those we experienced while growing up. Relationships with family, friends and first loves give us practice for the far more challenging issues we’ll face later.
August 11th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Every time I read a story about your parents AAG I am so impressed by your conduct. That would have launched me into a good rant, which would have resulted in a screaming match. Then again, I don’t always know when to keep my mouth shut.
Thanks for sharing another wonderful story with us!
August 11th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Thanks for sharing this story. I wish I had grown up knowing that it is ok to say no – to a touch, to a question, to a request. Instead, I learned to be extremely other-centered. Consumed with figuring out what others needed and how to provide that for them, I lost sight of what I needed, let alone wanted. I’m now trying to make up for lost time.
August 11th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Agreed!! I’m a firm believer that you should never do anything you don’t believe in, where no truth is to be held, even when it has nothing to do with touching. Mean it or not at all, no matter the situation.
August 11th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I had a falling out with my father-in-law many years ago over the subject of unwanted touching. He would hug my daughter and when she wanted to be let go, he would not. He was a control freak and felt HE should decide when to quit. He did the same with my wife.
There had been some “inappropriate” touching with his children and I was determined it didn’t carry over to the grands, so I took him aside and told him to stop it, and under NO uncertain terms the next time he did it, I would not be taking him aside, I would stop it right then and there.
He was pissed but he never touched them again. He never spoke to me again, either, except when it could not be avoided without bringing on some comment. He was big on “how it looked”.
You are doing the right thing for your kids. Bravo!
August 11th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Harold,
Will you consider sharing an expanded version of this story on Beyond the Birds and the Bees, please? I’d like that very much, if you’re willing.
August 11th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I think this is such a useful rule to teach your children. If I ever have children in the future, I know I will fall back on some of your wisdom. Adult interaction is definitely modeled on experience in youth. Being able to say no is something I wished I had learned in my youth. It has been difficult to teach myself that women don’t have to be meek and people-pleasing.
August 11th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
I’m with you on the issue of apologizing and waiting for anger to have passed. I detest making children say ‘I’m sorry’ when they don’t feel so- and I reinforce consideration instead of imposition of your feelings on others. The whole forced hugging is NEVER an option for me. Ugh.
That said, I’m wondering how I would have handled that situation, seeing as how my parents have to know that any child of mine is being raised to have complete dominance and decision-making over their body. I don’t know that I wouldn’t've let my parent hear that discussion. Just me, though.
August 11th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
As an adolescent I really had a hard time separating the idea of touch from the idea of love because I grew up under the influence of people who perpetuated the notion that you couldn’t say no to people you cared about. I thought touch and love went hand-in-hand, and really believed that if I said no to touch it would mean saying no to love. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I lost my virginity at a very young age to a boy I’d known and loved as a family friend my entire life (and still do to this day). That association and inability to refuse touch remained with me for many years–and caused me a lot of heartache!
I can only hope that common teachings have changed enough to help more children feel in control of their own bodies and understand their right to say no. I mean, I remember learning that stuff in school, but it was my family that really made the difference. It’s so important to start the lessons at home.
August 11th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
So much has already been said so well, so I will issue only a “hear, hear.” Your children, however difficult you sometimes find them, seem like such wonderful little people so far.
August 11th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Given the difficulties you have had with your parents, I have to say that you took the best course of action regarding this situation. Letting the words stand and the situation go away, and then talking to your daughter about it later. It is good that this is something you have said enough for her to “know”.
And sometimes it takes us a while to get over our anger. It’s damn near impossible to forgive and forget immediately, even for adults. Why would we expect our children to do it? *sigh*
peace…
August 11th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Awesome. No means no and yes means yes – perhaps the two greatest lessons that can be taught to anyone.
August 11th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I agree wholeheartedly on both issues. I grew up as the eldest of four children and we were constantly fighting. My mother would make us sit on the couch and hold hands until she felt we were ready to go play again. This just caused more animosity between us. I agree that touching should be something that is agreed upon between both parties and should *never* be forced.
I also agree that it’s okay to remain angry for a while. When I am angry, I do not want to immediately apologize to someone because I don’t mean it. There’s no sense in muttering empty words. Why not wait until the angry feelings have passed and one truly is sorry? Otherwise, we’re just teaching our children that talk is cheap and you can say anything to get out of trouble. This is not something I want my two little girls to learn.
August 11th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Thanks for putting that into the words I’ve never been able to muster. You’ve shifted the gears just enough for me to understand why certain seemingly harmless situations send me into high anxiety mode.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:46 am
i totally agree. shocker, i know.
i wish someone had taught me this as a child, perhaps now i wouldn’t have a personal space issue.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:28 am
“Must one accept an apology instantly? Isn’t it ok to wait until the anger has passed? While you are correct that my kid needs to improve how she deals with conflict (and who doesn’t?), I think it’s ok to say, “I’m still angry. Give me a minute to calm down.”
point considered. My comment wasn’t meant to imply that your daughter should have acceded to your mother’s demand to hug her brother. My comment was primarily that you used the situation to talk about inappropriate touching and I thought that – while that is very important – the primary lesson to be learned was with regard to handling conflict.
That being said, did your daughter follow up and acknowledge your son’s apology after she calmed down – and/or offer her own apology? At what point in their emotional development do you address situations when the anger is unwarranted? Yes – kids model their emotional responses to situations based on what they see their parents and other adults in their environment do, but it has been my experience that they also need positive guidance to make sure the correct lesson has been learned. I acknowledge that, as you didn’t mention any follow up, it doesn’t mean you didn’t do any of those things, I merely wanted to steer the discussion in that direction. Anger does not have to be sublimated, but it can be ameliorated if it is addressed in a positive way. A discussion about the incident, stressing that no one was at fault and acknowledging the physical hurt could help her deal with the anger and allow her to frame the incident in those terms so that the next time this occurs she has it as a reference for her response.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:59 am
So it´s OK for the boy to get pushed into apologizing, but the little prinzzess can still wallow in her anger as is her due. Thus humiliating the “bad boy”.
Great message everybody is pushing here, but nothing I wouldn´t expect of todays wymin(male&female).
August 12th, 2009 at 10:26 am
I agree with most others. As a parent, it is your job to teach children how to protect themselves. If you make them feel as if they cannot refuse contact, you’ve expressed to them that all contact is good- whether they feel it is or not. I’ve had some pretty creepy hugs… that were not solicited or welcome. AAG- you’re such a wonderful parent. Your daughter saying that she already knew her grandmother was wrong is just a testament to the great values and skills you’ve instilled in your offspring.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Bob and Hans,
Everyone involved has to apologize when things like this happen in my house. I can enforce the issuing of polite apologies. I cannot enforce the accepting of apologies, so I don’t insist on it.
*Anyone,* male or female, can wallow in their anger if they so choose. I send people who excessively wallow to their rooms until they’re ready to apologize and play nicely. Usually a few minutes of non-punitive exile is enough to fix nasty attitudes.
Hans, I don’t call my kids “bad” anything. My son’s job was to apologize, which he did. If he was not immediately forgiven, his conscience can be clear. He did his part.
My daughter could have asked for some other condition (“don’t walk so close,” or “turn somersaults somewhere else”) if she wanted to and then they could have renegotiated. I don’t see the humiliation for him in this situation.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:58 am
@Hans Are you tryng to say that we should be teaching our kids that if they do something wrong that it’s okay not to apologise? Have you accepted every apology ever offered to you?
August 12th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Hans,
Yeah the little “prinzzess” gets to decide when she does and doesn’t consent to giving a hug.
No where in the post does the author indicate anyone told the boy he had to offer his apology. He wasn’t “pushed” by anyone.
Neither me, you, the little “prinzzess,” nor anyone else is obligated to accept an apology in any way, shape, or form. And no one is obligated to accept touching under any circumstance.
She was still mad, so she wasn’t ready to apologize and she damn sure didn’t want a hug. Good for her for not feeling obligated to just please the people around her.
August 12th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@Molls
“Good for her for not feeling obligated to just please the people around her.”
To a certain degree pleasing the people around you is part of being in a society. I’m sure it pleases the people around me that I don’t curse like a sailor all the time, steal their belongings or drive like a maniac.
While I 100% agree that no one should feel obligated to have physical contact with anyone if they don’t want, courtesies and manners should always taught when an opportunity arises.
If children were never instructed by parents to apologize, accept an apology or use “please” and “thank you” where would they learn such things?
August 14th, 2009 at 6:24 am
i posted this on AAG’s blog because at the time i didn’t have time to navigate over here, but i have now and i want to post because i seem to be one of the few not voicing a completely concurring comment.
Part of me says that one should never have to accept unwanted touch of any kind, EVER. But the other part says that kids will be kids and sometimes the reason for not accepting a hug can be a desire to hurt the other person’s feelings on purpose rather than just not desiring the tactile contact. i see this often at my house, my son is a cuddler and often his older sister will, if she is displeased with him for some reason, refuse to hug him simply because she knows it will hurt his feelings. At which point it becomes more of a tool to use against him than any actual desire not to be touched by him at that time.
i am not saying that is what happened in this case, because if she was still upset, then she should not be forced to accept either the hug or the apology at that time, because to do so would be contrived. i never make a child apologize or accept an apology until they are ready, because if i do, it is an empty gesture done only to appease me.
So, while i agree that no one should ever have to accept any unwanted touch, i question whether in some cases a touch is truly unwanted or if there is a more calculated reason behind it, even in children, which might negate the right to refuse.
In my own family, i do insist that my daughter accept my son’s hugs when i can tell she is only refusing him to be mean or to get him back for something she perceives he’s done to her (such as refusing to let her play with one of his personal toys). i do this because i want her to understand that her affection should not be used as a manipulative tool, and the withholding of such should be reserved for times when it is truly warranted (such as if he has hurt her and she is still angry with him). i ALWAYS explain to her why i am overriding her decision, and give her a chance to explain why she’s refusing before i make her allow the hug. But i will not allow my daughter to grow up to be one of those girls who manipulates men by withholding her affection until he does what she wants.
August 15th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
AAG,
The problem with your approach is that that you failed to talk to your daughter about the importance of being gracious, accepting apologies, letting bygones be bygones, and not carrying a grudge.
Learning how to apologize is something kids need to do. Learning how to accept an apology (or compliment) gracefully is also something that kids need to do.
Look at what you yourself wrote:
“even accidental head bumps turn my daughter to icy stone. It’s good manners yet ultimately futile to try making peace with her until she’s ready for it.”
Go back and ask yourself: Why does your daughter turn to “icy stone” over an accident? And what exactly changes from the time of the incident to the time that “she’s ready” for someone to make peace with her?
I don’t know your daughter, but I’m guessing that this is a learned behavior, in which she engages because it gives her something that she wants.
Perhaps she is milking the incident for sympathy or attention. Perhaps the feelings (of anger, or other strong emotions) that go along with it feel … familiar to her. Perhaps she is too focused on herself, and finds it difficult to see other people’s points of view. Perhaps, as Meianca commented, your daughter is trying to use her (legitimate) gatekeeping role over her body as a vehicle for manipulation. Or something else, perhaps.
The point is, your daughter seems to hang on to slights and hurts, even accidental ones, for some time, and she’s doing this for a reason: she gets something, or believes that she gets something, out of doing so.
Such behavior, in my view, is neither healthy for your daughter nor appealing to others, and if I my child were acting like this, I’d definitely be concerned about it.
“She crossed her arms and stuck her nose into the air. I believe she might have said “harrumph”"
Frankly, this would be unacceptable to me. I would draw the line at such snooty behavior and unkind attitude. I certainly would not tolerate these in my household for a second.
Bottom line:
I don’t think your daughter needs any more lessons on touching.
I do think your daughter needs more lessons, and practice, in empathy, kindness, and grace.
Of course, this is based solely on your written description of this incident, and without my knowing any of the parties personally. So I freely acknowledge that I could be off base here.
But hopefully, you won’t get all defensive on me and will instead consider lucidly what I’ve written above.
Best wishes, and thanks for posting.
August 15th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Good lord I’ve been at this whole blogging thing too long to get defensive about anything, much less a single well-thought-out post. :)
I do agree that the kid needs to learn how to forgive and forget this kind of slight hurt more easily. Believe me, I’ve tried. Perhaps I’ve failed, but it seems to have come built into her personality right from the start.
I hope it changes…but if it doesn’t, I don’t ever want her to think she has to do something physically that she doesn’t want to do. Even if that means she’s seen as snooty.
August 15th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
After reading this, I feel more of a need to address the comments posted than the entry itself.
First and foremost, I agree that it is important to teach children about innappropriate touching and respecting one another’s personal space.
I work in the health care industry, so I am very aware at all times of respecting a person when I have to touch them. I have also been inappropriately touched by two relatives.
I have a child, and yes, I want to protect him from bad touching, but I think it’s important for us to remember that not all touching is bad. Sometimes, a hug, especially from a sibling, relative, or friend, is not a bad thing. While teaching our children how to be safe, we should also be teaching them about love and showing appropriate affection.
Growing up, I always wished that my family had shown me a little more physical affection because I think it’s great to show people how much they mean to you through a hug. I hope that all of you while teaching your kids how to be safe and have limits/boundaries with their bodies, also teach your children how to show appropriate acts of affection because the world now is a much scarier place for children, and sometimes a hug is just a great way to cheer somebody up.
August 16th, 2009 at 10:57 am
This is not just a problem with little girls. We actually believe that children have no autonomy over their bodies. I don’t force my boys to hug or kiss and their father and I both ask for permission to get into their personal space. We have gotten all kinds of negative feedback because we refuse to force our children to gratify the needs of others. Despite the fact that we claim to love and support children we certainly do a lot to undermine that.
August 16th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
AAG, I was a similar type of child to your daughter. I was always accused of ‘having my nose in the air’, being snooty and rude and so on.
I just had a healthy self-respect.
My parents systematically wore this down. Nothing most parents don’t do, I was simply socialised, like most women, to be nice, be other-focused, not say no, etc.
No-one should have to accept apologies or touch others if they do not want to.
Please, let your daughter be the independent spirit that she is and don’t feel you have to change her. Her healthy assertiveness will serve her well as an adult woman.
August 16th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I wish my parents had told me this when I was a kid. I remember a co-worker at my first job in high school who would always give me unwelcome hugs and touches, and he always made me feel terribly uncomfortable but I always thought that I would be publicly mocked for being uptight if I said anything because it was “just a hug.” What I wouldn’t give to go back and tell him to keep his hands to himself!
August 16th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Wonderful lesson to teach your children! I heartily applaud this. My father used to apologize when he angered us by forcibly hugging us until we had to give in and forgive him – this was incredibly (as you can imagine) warping to my sense of physical autonomy. Just…..keep doing what you’re doing!
August 16th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
(quick confession: didn’t read any other comments, but i love this post, and wanted to add my voice to it).
i agree that you shouldn’t have to touch someone or accept someone else’s touch if it makes you uncomfortable. i’ve been sexually harassed enough by men (one being my own college professor who I trusted) and i’ve been uncomfortable with older men touching me or demanding hugs unless i’m 100% comfortable with it. i’m not even comfortable hugging my own father, but i’ll hug my stepdad all day.
there were a couple of times that i had to tell friends of mine that it was not okay to touch me–one time in response for a male friend pulling me onto his lap playfully, and then trying to keep me there even after i tried to get up, and another by a gay friend who said it was okay that he touch me because he wasn’t attracted to me–sorry, still not comfortable with that.
so no, i don’t care about their feelings, because they never cared about mine or they wouldn’t have assumed that i’d want to be touched.
August 17th, 2009 at 2:27 am
(It’s my first time here, but love the post and would like to add my experience:)
Although my parents never voiced it as clearly as you did to your daughter, I have always understood from their behavior – towards us, and towards the people dealing with us – that the only touch necessary to be polite is a handshake. No matter where or how (at family gatherings, or making up after a fight, or any situation really), we were never required to give more of ourself than a hand. No hugs, no kisses (3 kisses on the cheeks is the customary greeting where I grew up), just a handshake.
And I do remember being told to apologize, but never forced to accept apologies. Like you said in the comment section: your son did his part by apologizing, the decision to accept it or not affects her, not him.
Thank you for this thoughtful post!
August 17th, 2009 at 10:33 am
[...] a post on the “problem of politeness” at Babeland’s blog really stuck with me. The writer reflects on her children’s [...]
August 25th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Cool post, I totally agree with you, but what about Europeans? They will kiss both ckeeks when meeting someone, even a stranger?